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| Volume II, Issue I • January
2008 |
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Welcome
•A
Friendly Divorce
•RADIO RADIO
•Difficult People
•Common Tables
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As a Mediator and Mediation Trainer I
specialize in personal and professional disputes - especially divorce and
workplace conflict. I am licensed as a Mental Health Counselor and a
Marriage and Family Therapist, and I bring that expertise along with a
background in small business and a wide range of experience from within
the family, civil, criminal, and juvenile courts to my work. You can find
specifics on my websites - www.ElinorRobin.com,
www.MediationTrainingGroup.com, and www.AFriendlyDivorce.com. My on-line
and in-print columns appear in a variety of publications, including
www.WomenEntrepreneur.com (part of Entrepreneur Magazine), The Solution
News - www.thesolutionnews.com - a local newspaper serving the recovery
community, and my blog - www.elinorrobin.blogspot.com. My radio show airs
on WBZT1230AM and on the internet at www.wbzt.com.
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Dear Elinor ,
Each month after this E-zine goes out many of you email me. I love reading
your responses so please keep those cards and letters coming in. 2007
brought so many surprises and so many lessons, for me, it was a year
filled with amazing shifts. Starting this E-zine was one of the best
things that I did as it has proven to be a great way to stay in touch with
so many of the people that I feel a connection to. We will all have to wait
to see what 2008 brings to each of us, but in the meantime I am wishing you
your best year ever. May 2008 bring you all that is good - joy, health,
prosperity, and loving connections.
Happy New Year!
Elinor
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A Friendly Divorce
As David and I continue to build our A Friendly Divorce mediation practice
we are finding that as our clients move through their divorces they are
surprised to learn that (a) divorce seems to affect almost every aspect of
their lives, and (b) the process of divorce takes much longer then anyone
guesses it will at the onset.
As we see it, divorce has six
components:
- a physical component - changes in the physical
environment - moving as well as the loss of the physical presence of the
spouse,
- an emotional/psychological component - an emotional low
for most but for many its a roller coaster of highs/lows and
unknowns,
- a social component - moving on from extended family
connections and the often traumatic identity shift related to going from
married person to single person,
- a financial component - dividing
assets, taking on debts, and stretching income to now support two
households,
- a logistical component - moving, chauffeuring kids
between two locations, taking on new household chores, etc., and
- a
legal component - parental time sharing and child support along with the
finances of equitable distribution - dividing the assets and debts - and
alimony.
In mediation our focus is on this legal component.
However, we would be naive if we thought that the other five aspects of
divorce are not effecting our clients as they work on resolving their
legal issues. In fact, we believe that a holistic perspective is necessary
as we help our clients move through the emotionally draining and lengthy
transition of divorce.
To learn more visit our A Friendly
Divorce website or email me.
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RADIO RADIO
Onward and upward. The new year is bringing a
big change for me as I continue my adventures in radio land. My big news
is that I have moved to WBZT-1230AM - a Clear Channel station. Starting
Friday January 4, I will be on Friday nights from 7-8pm, hosting
"Reach for Recovery," a radio show about addiction and recovery,
sponsored by Challenges - the specialists in relapse treatment and
prevention - www.challenges-program.com. And, weekday mornings starting
January 7, I will be co-hosting "People Connections" segments
during WBZT's Early Edition Show (6-9am). My "People
Connections" co-hosts are Professor Susan F. Dubow -
www.mediationtraininggroup.com and Dr. Sharon Fried Buchalter -
www.peopletoounlimited.com.
I need your help with these shows.
At the very least I hope you will tune-in or go to www.wbzt.com and click
on Listen Live. But I really want your participation. If you have a
question or comment that relates to the subject matter of either show
(addiction/recovery or people connections) please email/call me so that I
can ensure that you are a part of the conversation. And, if you or anyone
you know is interested in sponsoring the shows, lets talk.
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Difficult People
We all know them; those difficult people who seem to delight in spreading
misery. Inevitably you will encounter a difficult person in your personal
or professional life. And, this difficult employee, colleague, supplier,
customer, relative, neighbor, or friend will bring distress into your
life. However, with the right strategies, you can deal with him or her
effectively. First lets define what a difficult person is.
Difficult people defined
Difficult people have learned that
they can keep others off balance by acting up. If you are dealing with
someone whose bad behavior is frequent and habitual and most people, not
just the overly sensitive or those who lack confidence, find him or her
hard to take, you have a difficult person on your hands. Worst of all,
these difficult people appear immune to all the usual methods of
communication and persuasion designed to convince or help them change
their ways. Here is my list of the eight difficult types you may
encounter.
- The Bully is angry, abusive, abrupt,
aggressive, intimidating, hostile, and unpredictable. Needing to always
get his way, he goes-off over little things, expecting others to either
run away or react with rage.
- Passive-aggressive
personalities say yes and do no. Examples include being late for an event
she doesn't want to attend or leaving a note to avoid a face-to-face
discussion.
- The Snipper takes potshots and makes sneak attacks in
subtle ways, such as humorous put-downs, sarcastic remarks, disapproving
looks, and innuendos.
- Negative Nelly is a complainer who is
fearful, has little faith in himself and others, and believes that the
world is a hostile place. His negativity, resentfulness, and
disappointment in life throw cold water on every idea and crush all
glimmers of optimism.
- The Blamer avoids taking
responsibility and instead, using an accusatory and self-righteous tone,
finds fault with everything and everyone.
- Unresponsives
limit risk and seek safety by responding with a sullen look, an "I don't
know, or silence. They get away with not talking because the people
around them are uncomfortable with silence and too quick to fill in the
gaps.
- The Yes-person is a super-agreeable people pleaser
who over-promises and never delivers.
- The Know-it-all is an expert
who comes across like a bulldozer with an aura of personal authority that
is condescending, imposing, and pompous.
Your reaction
You don't need to go through life holding your breath or
walking on eggshells. Here are some strategies you can use to cope
effectively with difficult people. - First, assess the situation.
Is this really a difficult person or is he just having a bad day?
- Set boundaries and limitations regarding what you will and will
not tolerate from others.
- Seek understanding regarding the
difficult person's true motivation.
- Know when to let go and move
on. Your best option may be to withdraw from the relationship even though
that might mean quitting your job, divorcing your spouse, eating lunch
alone, or moving far away from your parents or grown children. We all get
to choose whom we allow to take up space in our lives - choose
wisely.
- Don't fight back or try to beat them at their own game.
They have been practicing their skills for a lifetime, and you're an
amateur.
- Don't try to appease them. Difficult people have an
insatiable appetite for more.
- Don't try to change them. You can
only change your responses to their behavior.
- Take a detached,
impersonal view. Your difficult person's bad behavior is not about you.
So don't interpret this behavior as a personal attack, instead see it as
it is - just the way she is.
- Do the opposite of what he
expects. Change your response and avoid getting caught up in the cycle.
- Time your responses so that you respond when the difficult
person is not under excessive stress or obligation.
- Let
the difficult person say what she wants. Give her the last word because
you will have the last action.
- Find a common goal,
intention or "enemy that you share with the difficult person. Now,
you can be on the same team.
- Assert yourself, expressing
your own views while avoiding the battle for right and wrong.
- Take
an unpredictable action to get his attention: drop a book, stand up, firmly
call him by name, get him to sit down and don't sit until he does.
- Wait for her to run out of steam. Then call her by name and
assert your stand with confidence.
- Respond to pot-shots and
attacks with a question: "That sounds like you're making fun of me. Are
you? The response may be one of denial, "I'm only joking, but
nevertheless, questioning these attacks will reduce them in the
future.
- Insist on a problem solving approach, with complaints and
suggestions for resolution in writing.
- Assign fact-finding
tasks to those who don't like the status quo.
- Listen
attentively so that the difficult person can blow off steam and feel
heard.
- Give negative people the role of "reality
checker" and require the
citing of specifics rather than the use of sweeping
generalizations. - Don't debate his negative outlook. Instead,
respond with your own optimistic expectations.
- When
dealing with someone who is unresponsive, avoid filling the space with
words to ease your own discomfort. Comment on the fact that you find it
interesting that she is choosing not to communicate, then
ask:
- Are you concerned about my reaction? How do you think
I'll react?
- You look
distressed/worried/concerned/annoyed/angry/impatient/uncomfortable. Am I
misinterpreting?
- Then wait for a response.
When
dealing with a difficult person, you want to make "I want to find
solutions that work for both of us your mantra. Keep reminding him
that finding a mutually acceptable solution is your goal. Ultimately,
dealing with difficult people takes practice so don't give up or get
discouraged. Although these strategies won't change the difficult person,
they will challenge his or her ability to interfere in your life.
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Common Tables
Looking for a fun way to expand your horizons? I have recently joined a
wonderful new group - Common Tables - www.commontables.org. Common Tables
is an organization that uses small group dinners to promote respect and
understanding between traditionally disconnected communities. I absolutely
love their idea of bringing small groups of diverse people together over
dinner. If anything can help us transcend our differences and create
meaningful dialog, its a good meal. Never underestimate your power to make
a difference.
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Dr. Elinor Robin 561-394-9226 7300 West Camino Real Suite
#203 Boca Raton, FL 33433 elinorobin@aol.com
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