Hiya,
Here it is, the last Saturday of the month. Zip Zip Zip. It’s almost October.
These days are odd for me. One week I am in treatment and go to an alternate universe, swimming in and out of being in the present. I try to meditate, try to accept the infusions as a Golden Elixir that will cleanse my body of the unwanted cells. I sleep, dream, watch stupid tv (want to know anything about anyone that is trashy? Just ask me!)
The next week I emerge, do laundry, vacuum, pay attention to my pup, read real books, and recover from the onslaught of the previous week. I am now on the countdown, I’ve had more than half of the treatments and I am beginning to look forward to the end of this treatment regime with anticipation. I used to think that I had done the hardest things possible: riding across the country on my bike, for example. Now I see that this is the hardest thing. There is nothing to compare to this.
And while I go on this particular journey, I am still working on my book. We’re doing photo shoots every other week. Tomorrow I will cook a bunch of recipes and Charlotte and Johnny will style them and photograph them and on we’ll go. It is truly a parallel universe to me – one day feeling so lethargic and then, the next, rising to the occasion of the book. I am grateful for this project to keep me focused on something other than my body, and am also grateful that the pace we have set is slow enough that I can participate. It’s different to feel so much less than my 100%, but that’s what I have right now.
I’ve been reading and thinking about the Camino de Santiago de Compostela that runs across the top of Spain. I am drawn to do this walk and find myself pouring over books and web sites and notes from friends that are doing the walk. At the moment, this walk tops my list of things I want to do at some point. And also, right now there is no way I could do this. BUT, I trust I will get better and will regain my physical fitness and will undertake the walk at some point. And as I dream about that Camino, I realize that I am, right now, on my own Camino. It is a day to day thing. And though I am not dealing with blisters or trail fatigue, I am very much dealing with other very physical obstacles that force me to rise to the day’s challenge.
Friends and other survivors tell me that attitude is key in getting through this sort of challenge. Attitude is key in all sorts of things, and I am not always up to that, finding myself retreating to a nap or more stupid tv. But I am trying to be patient with myself too, trying to support sleep and retreat. And when I do that, I do seem to emerge and come back to myself a bit. It’s quite the ride, my friends.
Anyway – that’s what’s up right now. In a couple of weeks I get to go to Austin to meet Lance Armstrong. He is my hero and I am very much looking forward to meeting him and being in his circle for a couple of days. I am looking forward to being with a whole lot of people who really know what this trip is like, people who have gone into this darkness and have emerged. I need to meet some of these people to keep me up. When I was there before I heard him say that there are days when you just can’t do anything. And I heard him talk about getting back on his feet when it was time. I needed to hear that from him. And I need to just be around the inspiration that I’ll find there. It is an important step for me on this Camino.
I’ll be in touch next week.
Laurey